After surviving a trauma, it is HARD to figure out the world again. How do I keep my babies safe? After the world as I knew it had flipped upside down? How do I trust again? WHO can I trust? Can I even trust myself anymore? After all, I'M the one who chose who could provide childcare. If you can't trust family, what else IS there??
I'll be honest. I was a total nut job after I realized our awful truth. Hot. Mess. Express. I didn't even feel good taking my son to birthday parties without being there! (And why should he miss out just because MY view of the world has crashed and burned?)
But you guys. Time. Heals.
It took SO much time. And it's still a daily struggle. We go back to boundaries. ALL the boundaries.
I've attached links to some books that were SO helpful to me and my babies. I invite all parents and childcare providers to add them to your library. Read them often. Talking about scary and uncomfortable possibilities can and will minimize their risk. (If I did it right, just click the pictures!)
Back to me being a nut job...there is a happy balance between being vigilant and aware of situations your children may be in, and just making your family bunker down and never leaving your house again. (Don't do that. You will feel alone and I promise you are NOT alone.)
Take uncomfortable steps to rejoin the world, but you can still view the world with a critical eye.
Ask your children all kinds of "crazy" questions. The more you ask, the more normal they become. I'm talking way more in depth than "How was your day?"
Examples:
>What was the happiest part of your day?
>What was the saddest or worst part of your day?
>What did you see that was good and kind?
>What did you do that was good and kind?
>Did you feel safe today? With whom?
>Did you feel unsafe today? With whom?
>What boundaries can I help you with to always feel safe?
And if needed:
>Did anyone touch you ____(insert body part here)
>Did anyone ask you to touch ____(insert body part here)
It is OK and GOOD to be direct and it is OK and GOOD for parents and children to feel comfortable to speak directly and honestly about body parts and body safety.
Please tell me you get the idea.
I do have suggestions for what NOT to do, as well. This just comes from our personal experience and all of my Mommy guilt,.
Do Not:
>Tell children to "be good" or "do what you're told" for the childcare provider or family member.
>Require hugs or kisses regardless of who they may be.
Other body safety rules we follow are:
>We call our body parts by their correct name
>STOP is an important word
>We do NOT keep secrets
>We DO keep surprises (which will be shared eventually)
Long story short - I never want any family to have to live through or experience what my family has experienced. Even though we have grown and learned to still love life. This should never happen, and our best shot at preventing child sexual abuse is to TALK about it.
Silence protects the abusers.
With Love From,
Elise
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