Mental Health is an important and way too stigmatized issue. This week I'm struggling with my anxiety. Hard Core. I'm noticing a medication change is definitely reeking havoc on my happiness, love life, and just daily functions. So that's fun. I thought I'd write about it.
I'm not sure if I'll be embarrassed about this blog or not, but I am pretty sure I'm not the only one battling this. It's also a vicious circle of having anxiety, finding the right meds, something happening and screwing up your meds, having anxiety while also having anxiety about your meds. It's actually just bullshit.
As I've written before, I take Lexapro to help me with my Anxiety. I experience and live with Situational Anxiety/PTSD after a familial trauma relating to the safety of my children. It can be absolutely debilitating. However, I've been quite optimistic after a little over a year on Lexapro. It's nice to feel and live normally again.
After expressing some concerns to my doctor about a hump I've found on my back (I'm pretty sure I have Cushing's Syndrome because it has all of my symptoms and is so similar the the symptoms I also experience from PCOS and Google backs me - but that's another issue.) She prescribed me a new type of medication to hopefully help remove the hump, and maybe make me skinnier in the process - hey! :)
Well - A lot of medicine-related things happened all at once and if you struggle with anxiety you know how easy it is to be overcome with that uncontrollable fight or flight feeling particularly with unknowns. So here's how it went down.
Initially - I was taking two 10mg Lexapro tablets (because I can't swallow anything bigger than that and I've tried all of the tricks, Suzan, it just can't be done.) ALSO - I've choked on a birth control pill before, so there.
I was also taking a tiny pill for my skin issues (KP - also an anxiety thing - it flared up like crazy during and after our familial trauma)
AND I was taking something called Metformin to help ease my PCOS symptoms. (inability to lose weight) Too bad there isn't something that stops the facial hair, that's really becoming a pain in my adorable mommy-ass. This pill was a big one but I was allowed to chew it so I would shove it into bananas, fruit bars, peanut butter protein balls...whatever I could grab on my way out the door.
So everything was good, I felt good, I ate well, I had energy, I went to the gym and worked out, I was on time in the mornings...you get the idea. Life was as fantastic as it could be.
Then. (dun Dun DUNNN!!)
My insurance decided they didn't want to cover 2 tablets of Lexapro per day.Suddenly, and without notice.
My pharmacist called me and gave me two options - she could either fill it the way insurance would accept, which would be the 20mg tablets to only take one per day - which I surely wouldn't be able to ingest, OR she could fill it with 10mg tablets, but it would only be 15 days worth if I were to continue taking two per day. This would give my doctor time to try to submit an argument to my insurance about why it's necessary, and hopefully get me on the straight and narrow.
I had her fill the 10mg size tablet because change is hard and trying new things is terrifying particularly with pills you can't swallow. That's probably an awesome quote that can be applied to lives all over the world.
Write that shit down!
"Change is hard and trying new things is terrifying particularly with pills you can't swallow." - Elise <3
You know like when you're at a karaoke bar and someone tells you not to quit your day job? (assholes) That's a hard pill to swallow! (insert laughing emoji here)
Ok, back to my prescription dramas...I didn't have any luck in getting insurance to cover two tablets per day, so I decided that I should learn to live happily on just one Lexapro tablet per day.
I. Got. Depressed.
Like, showering was a huge task.
Like, coming home from work and immediately going to bed. And then still oversleeping and barely making it to work on time.
Like, zero laundry or dishes or suppers or momming of any kind.
Depressed.
THEN - the hubster and I got into a terrible argument because I totally fucked up our grocery budget. Keep in mind I'm still battling my way through a prescription change and depression due to the prescription change. I lost count. I unloaded our cart onto the checkout conveyor belt, mindlessly, not watching the total increase. I didn't see it until the last items were unloaded.
Panic. Beg to unscan things frantically. Embarrassment. Sobbing in the car.
Fucking Anxiety. Money is the only fight my hubs and I have, and I hate it. I especially hate it if and when I'm battling my mental health and like literally barely surviving. Whatevs. You get the idea. Huge argument. We're still not speaking. I'm actually really interested in who will speak to whom first. We're 12.
Back to drugs. The next day I start making a lot of phone calls. LOTS. Doctor. Pharmacist. Doctor again.
We come up with a new plan because I cannot live without actually living (and neither should you.) and the way I was trying to barely get by was not acceptable for me, for my kids, or for hubs.
My anxiety medicine has been adjusted, and we are trying a new combination to get rid of my hump, which may also help with my anxiety. The one is super huge and cannot be crushed, cut, or chewed.
*But I did it!*
Today is day 1.
I already feel more calm now that I have a game plan, drug-wise.
You Anxiety Warriors out there.
You are not alone.
We CAN do hard things EVEN when they're terrifying, and even when there's a tough pill (or lots of pills) to swallow.
With Love From,
Elise
コメント